26 May 2009

What's goin' on?



Which of these is more likely to happen?

1) American troops are on the ground in Pakistan or Iran within the next 36 months.
2) American/coalition aircraft are dropping some serious payload on North Korea within the next 100 days.
3) The Denver Nuggets and Orlando Magic meet in the 2009 NBA Finals, causing David Stern and a number of ABC executives to commit ritual suicide after seeing a "Billups! Turkoglu! It's the Finals on ABC!" promo.
4) David Ortiz hits another home run before the All-Star break.

Let's take a moment to ponder these scenarios.

The Pakistan/Iran thing is probably the least likely, if only because I don't know where we'd find the troops. We're also fortunate enough now to have a commander-in-chief who attempts to resolve situations through less destructive means, although I don't doubt for a second that he has the stomach to give the order if need be.

Taking action against North Korea is similarly unlikely, although I think it's more plausible because there's a greater chance of things escalating quickly and of there being some semblance of an international consensus that action is needed. On a related note, I'd like to take this opportunity to thank George W. Bush for so badly hindering our military flexibility, for squandering American blood and treasure on an unnecessary war and for generally contributing to the colossal mess we now find ourselves in.

The Nuggets/Magic finals matchup also seems pretty unlikely, although I desperately - and I mean DESPERATELY - hope it happens. The league needs its comeuppance for treating its fans with so little respect, and for consistently allowing horrendously incompetent officiating that directly affects the quality and outcome of games. I can think of no better way than knocking the remaining superstars/large TV markets out of the playoffs and costing those bastards a lot of money.

As I'm writing this, the LeBrons are about to go into a 3-1 hold against Hotlando - and King James is pouting and stomping around the court because the refs aren't quite shameless enough to give him the call on a desperation three with 10 seconds left in an overtime. Apparently, the obscene bailout he got with .5 left on the clock in regulation that led to overtime-inducing free throws wasn't enough.



I won't count the Nuggets out either, largely because their Legitimate Player-to-EuroTrash ratio is far, far lower than the Lakers'. Sure, maybe a bunch of their guys are dirty. But at least they're not soft. I can't wait to see Kobe's disgust and exasperation as his team fails him, and to watch him jack up unconscionable fadeaway jumpers just to prove a point.



Sadly, though, I know David Stern and his diabolically corrupt Association will never let both of its prized stars miss the finals. The under/over on foul shots for LeBron in Game 5? 20-1/2. And I'm taking the over.

That, I suppose, leaves us with David Americo Ortiz, and his ability to hit another dinger before the end of the fiscal year. It's got to be the most likely of these scenarios, simply because The Artist Formerly Known As Big Papi will, sometime in the next few weeks, step to the plate against some scared-shitless rookie without his stuff, and will muscle some meatball over the right field fence for another short-lived nostalgia trip.

I don't mean to sound hard-hearted. When Ortiz hit his first homer the other night, I had goosebumps. It was an awesome moment.

But the guy is in shambles, a shell of himself. It's extremely sad to watch. If this goes on much longer, dropping him down to the six spot won't cut it. He's going to have to sit, or platoon at DH.

But maybe - just maybe - he gets his groove back. Maybe this is just a phase, some mental block or anomaly that will suddenly correct itself just in time for the stretch run.

That's the dream. The reality, unfortunately, appears to be much different. So at this point, I just hope we get one more longball from the big man - even if it means enduring Kobe-LeBron.